Topic: Seeking a Divorce Over a Husband's Neglect of the Children's Upbringing

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, respected Shaykh. May Allah reward you with goodness and bless you.
A woman has been married for approximately fifteen years and has children. Throughout the years of her marriage, she has been very concerned that there should be a clear Islamic atmosphere within her home: maintaining the prayers, hearing the adhan in the home, seeking Islamic knowledge, raising the children upon Islam, connecting their daily lives to the religion, and teaching them that their relationship with Allah should be an essential part of their lives.
For her, these matters are not secondary matters. Rather, they are among the foundations of married and family life. She herself was also raised and brought up with this understanding.
The husband, for his part, loves his children, cares about them, looks after them, is present in their lives, and is responsible for them in many respects. It is not being suggested that he is a bad father or that he does not care about his children.
However, for many years the wife has felt that she has carried most of the responsibility for the religious upbringing of the children and the Islamic atmosphere within the home by herself, and that her husband was not present with her in this area to the extent that she needed and expected from him.
Throughout the years of their marriage, she asked him more than once to be more present and involved in this area and to work with her in building a family in which religion would be a shared responsibility between the father and mother. However, she feels that the change she needed did not occur in a stable and consistent manner.
As the years passed, for her the matter was no longer limited only to the issue of religious upbringing. Feelings of exhaustion, disappointment, and emotional distance also accumulated, and she began to feel that she had become greatly drained within the marriage.
She also sees the severity of the trials and temptations in this time and feels a great responsibility to protect her children and raise them upon Islam in a strong and clear manner. This increases her fear that she will continue carrying this responsibility alone.
At the same time, it is important to clarify that recently the husband has begun to look at matters differently.
He now acknowledges that there are many things he did not deal with correctly, that in the past he did not understand or respond to many of his wife’s needs as he should have, and that he needs to change himself, the way he deals with matters, and his role within the family.
He does not merely say that he wants to change; he has actually begun taking steps in that direction.
He is trying to repair his relationship with Allah, increase his dhikr and istighfar, stay away from sins, work on reforming himself internally, regulate his emotions and reactions, and take greater responsibility as a husband and father.
He also says that he wants to be more present in the Islamic upbringing of the children and participate in building the religious atmosphere within the home instead of leaving this responsibility to the wife alone.
He is also willing to practically relieve her of some of the responsibilities concerning the children and the household so that she has time and space to rest, work on herself, work on her religion, and think calmly.
However, despite seeing these steps, the wife is still extremely exhausted from the previous years. She does not know whether this change will truly continue in the long term, nor does she know whether she still has enough energy, trust, and feelings left to rebuild the marriage again.
She says that for her the problem is not only: Can the husband change?
But also: Is she herself still capable of continuing, forgiving, restoring trust, and rebuilding the relationship?
During the current period, the spouses initially agreed upon some temporary distance and calmness with the intention of reconciliation, so that each of them could work on themselves and so that the intensity of the tension could decrease, without regarding separation as something final from the outset.
The wife is also receiving help from a professional coach or counsellor and is working on understanding her feelings, wounds, boundaries, and decisions more deeply.
The husband, for his part, wants reconciliation and the continuation of the marriage, but he is trying to learn not to turn his fear of losing his wife into pressure upon her or into rushing her decision.
Nevertheless, after a short period of this distance, the wife began seriously considering divorce and allowing the entire iddah to pass so that the current marital relationship would come to an end. Then, if in the future each of them were to choose the other again, and if that were Islamically permissible, it would be through a new nikah contract and a new mahr.
At this point, she has developed very significant questions, particularly concerning the welfare of the children and her responsibility before Allah.
The question is:
If the mother sees that the father loves his children, is present in their lives, and cares for them, but for many years was not sufficiently her partner in their Islamic upbringing and in maintaining the religious atmosphere within the home, and he has now begun acknowledging his shortcomings and taking genuine steps towards change, how should she weigh these matters according to Islamic law?
In such a situation, should priority be given to allowing genuine space for reconciliation and examining the sincerity and consistency of the change that the husband has begun striving for, particularly for the sake of keeping the family together and keeping the father and mother together with the children?
Or, in some cases, after many years of exhaustion and being emotionally drained, can the religious and psychological well-being of the mother and the welfare of the children in a stable Islamic environment constitute a valid reason for choosing separation, even when the father loves his children and cares for them?
How can the mother distinguish between a decision to divorce that arises from pain, exhaustion, intrusive thoughts, and fear, and a decision that arises from clarity, insight, istikhara, and reliance upon Allah?
How should she weigh fifteen years of previous experiences against the change that the husband has now begun striving for?
Would it be fair and wise according to Islamic law for her to allow a specified period of time to see whether this change is stable and lasting, or does reaching a high degree of exhaustion make it acceptable for her to say that she is no longer able to continue even if the husband has begun to change?
How should the welfare of the children be taken into account in this decision?
Is the fundamental interest of the children that the father and mother remain together when there is genuine hope for reconciliation?
Or can remaining in a home where there is severe exhaustion and a loss of trust and connection between the spouses sometimes be more harmful to them?
If divorce takes place, how can the children’s relationship with their father, and his role in their lives and upbringing, be preserved so that the divorce does not result in them being deprived of their father?
Finally, what matters should the wife examine within herself, within her husband, and in the circumstances of her children before making a final decision to continue the marriage or divorce, so that she has done everything within her ability to seek reconciliation and has fulfilled her responsibility before Allah, Glorified and Exalted?
May Allah reward you with goodness.

Your questions are answered below.
1) The basic principle for making a decision according to Shariah
The basic requirement of Shariah is that as long as even the slightest hope remains of the marriage working and improving, every effort should be made to save the bond of nikah. Allah says: "Compromise is better." (Surah An-Nisa, Verse: 128)
In this case, the father loves the children and looks after them.
He has now admitted his shortcomings and started taking a practical part in their religious upbringing. Rather than a request for divorce, this situation calls for gratitude to Allah and for giving him a serious and sincere chance.
2) Choosing reconciliation, or separating because of long-term exhaustion
Giving priority to reconciliation: According to Shariah, the first priority is to keep the family together and to see whether the husband's change is sincere and lasting. Divorce is the most disliked of all permissible things, so ending the marriage on the basis of exhaustion alone goes against the interests that Shariah seeks to protect.

The place of exhaustion in Shariah: Fifteen years of struggling alone, and the severe exhaustion (burnout) that comes with it, is a real human reason. However, the remedy for it is rest, sharing responsibilities and stepping back from some duties for a while, not an immediate divorce.

However, the wife may come to feel such strong dislike or hatred for her husband that she is certain staying with him will lead to the limits of Allah being violated, meaning the husband's rights and the duty to treat each other kindly. In that situation of necessity, there is room for khula or separation. Until things reach that extreme, though, giving reconciliation a chance is better and is what Shariah requires.
3) Telling apart a decision driven by exhaustion and doubts from one based on insight and istikhaarah
A decision based on pain, exhaustion and waswasah (doubts and whispers): The wish for divorce may come from mental turmoil, constant restlessness, going over past hurts again and again, anger, fear of "what if", or an urgent need to escape responsibilities. If so, the decision is not based on insight. It is the effect of psychological pressure and the whispers of Shaytan, whose greatest goal is to separate husband and wife.

A decision based on insight, istikhaarah and tawakkul (trust in Allah): A decision based on insight comes from a calm heart, steady nerves and a fair assessment of all the benefits and harms. Instead of revenge, resentment or fear, the heart is filled with the wish to please Allah, real concern for the children's wellbeing, and a peace that is free of any agitation. Such a decision can be considered the result of insight and trust in Allah according to Shariah.

4) Comparing the husband's current behaviour with the last fifteen years
A principle of Shariah is: "Al-'ibratu bil-khawatim" (الْعِبْرَةُ بِالْخَوَاتِيمِ), meaning that what counts is how things end and the present state. There was certainly neglect over the past fifteen years. But the husband has now admitted his mistake and is turning back to Allah, and it would be unjust to dismiss his sincere repentance and practical efforts entirely because of the past.
The past should be treated as a lesson that helps set ground rules for the future. It should not become a permanent charge against the husband or a lifelong disqualification.
5) A fixed trial period, and claiming to be unable to continue
Trial period: Wisdom and good judgement require that, instead of separating straight away, the husband is given a proper trial period of six months to a year. During this time, his consistency and sincerity, and whether his efforts last, can be observed.

The excuse of being unable to continue: Deciding immediately, in a state of severe exhaustion, that "I no longer have the strength to keep this marriage going" is often a reaction to temporary pressure. Since the husband is willing to share the burden, the wife should rebuild her energy, continue counseling and give her husband the chance to prove himself. Without first allowing this time, a final claim that she can no longer continue is premature according to Shariah.

6) Deciding what is best for the children
Parents staying together: The father is caring, and he is now practising the Deen himself and supporting the children's religious upbringing. In that case, it is clearly in the children's best interest for the parents to stay together.

Improving the atmosphere at home: It is true that a home full of constant arguments and mistrust is like poison for children. However, since the husband is now willing to change, the right way to protect the children from this is not divorce, but for husband and wife to work on their relationship together. The psychological, moral and social damage that divorce causes children often cannot be repaired, even by the mother's religious upbringing on her own.

7) Protecting the father's role and relationship if a divorce takes place
If, despite every sincere effort, the marriage cannot work and divorce becomes unavoidable:
Visitation and upbringing: Shariah gives the mother the right of custody (hidanah) up to a certain age, but guardianship (wilayah) and financial support (nafaqah) remain the father's duty. It is seriously impermissible to prevent the children from meeting their father, spending time with him and receiving his affection.

The father's dignity: The mother must not damage the father's image in front of the children. She must keep their love and respect for him alive, and keep him properly informed and involved in religious and moral matters, so that the children do not feel deprived of their father.

8) Three areas to reflect on before the final decision
Before taking the final step of divorce or staying in the marriage, the wife should reflect deeply on the following:
Within herself:

Is my wish for divorce simply a reaction to exhaustion and past bitterness? Or do I truly fear that staying with my husband will lead me to disobey Allah and cross His limits?
Do I have the heart to forgive my husband for the sake of Allah and accept his repentance with an open heart?
In her husband:

Is my husband's change only a verbal promise, or can I see real consistency in his daily routine, his prayers, his character and the way he treats the children?
Is he truly sharing the burden of the home and the children, and giving me mental and physical relief?
In her children:

After a divorce, will the children lose their father's love and protection and suffer even greater turmoil?
Given the many trials of today's world, will it really be easier for a single mother to face all these challenges than for her to face them with a repentant and responsible father present?
Conclusion and Advice
For now, the intention to divorce should be put aside completely, along with the unrealistic idea of "completing the iddah and then remarrying later". The husband should be given a fixed trial period, for example six months to a year. During this time, the wife should hand some of her burden over to him and give herself time to rest and recover spiritually.
If the husband stays firm in his change, she should thank Allah and save the marriage. If, Allah forbid, he fails, the wife will be fully justified in deciding to separate, free from any blame in terms of Shariah, morality or her own conscience.

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دلائل:

القرآن الكريم: (النساء، الایة: 128)
وَإِنِ امْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِن بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا ۚ وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ ... الخ

سنن أبي داود: (رقم الحديث: 4919) وسنن الترمذي: (رقم الحديث: 2509)
عَنْ أَبِي الدَّرْدَاءِ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «أَلَا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِأَفْضَلَ مِنْ دَرَجَةِ الصِّيَامِ وَالصَّلَاةِ وَالصَّدَقَةِ؟» قَالُوا: بَلَى، قَالَ: «إِصْلَاحُ ذَاتِ الْبَيْنِ، وَفَسَادُ ذَاتِ الْبَيْنِ هِيَ الْحَالِقَةُ».

بدائع الصنائع: (145/3، ط: دار الكتب العلمية)
»وَإِنْ كَانَ الطَّلَاقُ لِحَاجَةٍ، وَهِيَ كَرَاهَةُ الزَّوْجِ لَهَا؛ لِأَنَّهُ إذَا كَرِهَهَا لَمْ يَبْقَ بَيْنَهُمَا مَا هُوَ الْمَقْصُودُ مِنْ النِّكَاحِ، وَهُوَ السَّكَنُ، وَالْمَوَدَّةُ، وَالرَّحْمَةُ، بَلْ قِيَامُ الْعَدَاوَةِ، وَالْبَغْضَاءِ، وَالشِّقَاقِ، فَيَكُونُ حَاجَةً، فَيُبَاحُ لَهُ الطَّلَاقُ... فَأَمَّا إذَا كَانَتْ الْأُلْفَةُ وَالْمَحَبَّةُ قَائِمَةً بَيْنَهُمَا فَلَا حَاجَةَ، فَيَكُونُ إيقَاعُ الطَّلَاقِ جُحُودًا لِنِعْمَةِ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى، وَذَلِكَ حَرَامٌ«

سنن أبي داود: (رقم الحديث: 2226) وسنن الترمذي: (رقم الحديث: 1187)
عَنْ ثَوْبَانَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «أَيُّمَا امْرَأَةٍ سَأَلَتْ زَوْجَهَا طَلَاقًا فِي غَيْرِ مَا بَأْسٍ فَحَرَامٌ عَلَيْهَا رَائِحَةُ الْجَنَّةِ».

صحيح مسلم: (رقم الحديث: 2813)
عَنْ جَابِرٍ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «إِنَّ إِبْلِيسَ يَضَعُ عَرْشَهُ عَلَى الْمَاءِ، ثُمَّ يَبْعَثُ سَرَايَاهُ... فَيَجِيءُ أَحَدُهُمْ فَيَقُولُ: مَا تَرَكْتُهُ حَتَّى فَرَّقْتُ بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ امْرَأَتِهِ، قَالَ: فَيُدْنِيهِ مِنْهُ وَيَقُولُ: نِعْمَ أَنْتَ».

البحر الرائق: (252/3، ط: دار الكتاب الإسلامي)
»وَالْأَصْلُ فِيهِ الْحَظْرُ؛ لِأَنَّ فِيهِ قَطْعَ النِّكَاحِ الَّذِي تَعَلَّقَتْ بِهِ الْمَصَالِحُ الدِّينِيَّةُ وَالدُّنْيَوِيَّةُ، وَقَدْ شُرِعَ لِتَكْثِيرِ عِبَادِ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى وَأُمَّةِ مُحَمَّدٍ - صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ -، وَإِنَّمَا أُبِيحَ لِلْحَاجَةِ إلَى الْخَلَاصِ عِنْدَ تَبَايُنِ الْأَخْلَاقِ وَعُرُوضِ الْبَغْضَاءِ الْمُوجِبَةِ لِعَدَمِ إقَامَةِ حُدُودِ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى«

رد المحتار: (228/3، ط: دار الفكر- بيروت)
»(قَوْلُهُ: أَبْغَضُ الْمُبَاحَاتِ) أَيْ الْمُبَاحَةِ فِي بَعْضِ الْأَوْقَاتِ أَعْنِي أَوْقَاتَ الضَّرُورَةِ، أَوْ أُرِيدَ بِالْمُبَاحِ مَا لَيْسَ فِيهِ عِقَابٌ، وَالْمُرَادُ بِالْغَضَبِ الزَّجْرُ عَنْهُ وَالنَّهْيُ... وَفِي الْبَحْرِ: أَنَّ الْأَصْلَ فِيهِ الْحَظْرُ، وَأَنَّهُ لَا يُبَاحُ إلَّا لِحَاجَةٍ، وَهِيَ تَعَذُّرُ الْمُوَافَقَةِ«

رد المحتار: (441/3، ط: دار الفكر- بيروت)
»(قَوْلُهُ: وَكُرِهَ لَهَا أَيْضًا) أَيْ كُرِهَ لِلْمَرْأَةِ أَنْ تَخْتَلِعَ إذَا كَانَ النُّشُوزُ مِنْ قِبَلِهَا أَوْ لَا نُشُوزَ مِنْ وَاحِدٍ مِنْهُمَا لِحَدِيثِ: «أَيُّمَا امْرَأَةٍ سَأَلَتْ زَوْجَهَا طَلَاقًا مِنْ غَيْرِ بَأْسٍ فَحَرَامٌ عَلَيْهَا رَائِحَةُ الْجَنَّةِ»«

صحيح البخاري: (رقم الحديث: 6607)
عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ سَعْدٍ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «وَإِنَّمَا الأَعْمَالُ بِالْخَوَاتِيمِ».

صحيح البخاري: (رقم الحديث: 5273)
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُمَا أَنَّ امْرَأَةَ ثَابِتِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ أَتَتِ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَتْ: «يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، ثَابِتُ بْنُ قَيْسٍ مَا أَعْتِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي خُلُقٍ وَلَا دِينٍ، وَلَكِنِّي أَكْرَهُ الْكُفْرَ فِي الْإِسْلَامِ»، فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «أَتَرُدِّينَ عَلَيْهِ حَدِيقَتَهُ؟» قَالَتْ: نَعَمْ، قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «اقْبَلِ الْحَدِيقَةَ وَطَلِّقْهَا تَطْلِيقَةً».

المبسوط للسرخسي: (173/6، ط: ط: دار المعرفة- بيروت)
»قَالَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى: {فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا فِيمَا افْتَدَتْ بِهِ}
[البقرة: 229] ... وَالْمَعْنَى فِيهِ أَنَّ الزَّوْجَيْنِ إذَا رَأَيَا أَنَّهُمَا لَا يَتَّفِقَانِ، وَخَافَا أَنْ لَا يُؤَدِّيَ كُلُّ وَاحِدٍ مِنْهُمَا حَقَّ صَاحِبِهِ جَازَ لَهُمَا أَنْ يَصْطَلِحَا عَلَى الْفِرَاقِ بِمَالٍ«(لَا تُضَارَّ وَالِدَةٌ بِوَلَدِهَا وَلَا مَوْلُودٌ لَّهُ بِوَلَدِهِ} [البقرة: )

سنن أبي داود: (رقم الحديث: 2276) وسنن الترمذي: (رقم الحديث: 1157)
عَنْ أَبِي أَيُّوبَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ: «مَنْ فَرَّقَ بَيْنَ وَالِدَةٍ وَوَلَدِهَا فَرَّقَ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ أَحِبَّتِهِ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ».

الفتاوى الهندية: (543/1، ط: دار الفكر- بيروت)
»وَإِذَا كَانَ الْوَلَدُ عِنْدَ أَحَدِ الْأَبَوَيْنِ لَا يُمْنَعُ الْآخَرُ عَنْ النَّظَرِ إلَيْهِ وَتَعَهُّدِهِ، كَذَا فِي فَتَاوَى قَاضِي خَانْ«

رد المحتار: (571/3، ط: دار الفكر- بيروت)
»(قَوْلُهُ: لَا يُمْنَعُ أَحَدُهُمَا مِنْ رُؤْيَتِهِ) أَيْ لَا تُمْنَعُ الْأُمُّ إذَا كَانَ عِنْدَ الْأَبِ، وَلَا يُعْطَى لَهَا بَلْ يُؤْمَرُ الْأَبُ بِأَنْ يَأْتِيَ بِهِ إلَيْهَا كُلَّ أَيَّامٍ لِتَرَاهُ؛ وَكَذَا لَا يُمْنَعُ الْأَبُ إذَا كَانَ عِنْدَهَا، بَلْ يُؤْمَرُ بِأَنْ يَذْهَبَ إلَيْهِ لِيَرَاهُ وَيَتَعَهَّدَهُ كُلَّ يَوْمٍ أَوْ كُلَّ جُمُعَةٍ عَلَى مَا فِي الْبَحْرِ«

Allah the Almighty knows best.
Darul Ifta Al-Ikhlas, Karachi.