Topic:
Explicit Conversations with One's Fiancé Over the Phone
(No-62539)
Assalamu Alaikum, I would like to seek guidance regarding something I have been struggling with in my relationship with my fiancé.
We have recently gotten engaged, but we are not yet married. My fiancé sometimes initiates conversations about intimate matters, such as what we may prefer after marriage, our wedding night, or our personal desires. I have repeatedly told him that these conversations make me uncomfortable and that I do not want to discuss such matters before marriage. However, he often continues to ask or encourages me to answer, and I eventually feel pressured to respond because I worry that refusing may upset him.
Although I feel attracted to him, I feel extremely uncomfortable and guilty after these conversations, and I have started questioning whether this behaviour reflects the values I would want in a future spouse.
Could you please advise me, according to Islamic teachings, on whether such conversations between an engaged couple are permissible before nikah, and how I should respond when my fiancé continues to push me despite me expressing that I am uncomfortable? Is it appropriate for me to set a firm boundary and refuse to discuss these matters altogether?
I would also appreciate guidance on whether his continuing to push this boundary is something I should take seriously when considering marriage. JazakAllah Khair for your time and guidance.
An engagement is not a nikah. It is only a promise to marry in the future. This means that even after the engagement, the man and woman remain non-mahram to each other, and it is not permissible for them to meet or joke around with one another.
In the situation you have described, speaking to your fiancé on the phone without genuine need is not permissible, and especially not explicit conversation. A hadith describes such talk with a non-mahram as "the zina of the tongue."
You should explain the Islamic ruling to your fiancé and bring this to an end immediately.
After learning the Shariah ruling on this matter, he will hopefully not insist on continuing something sinful, nor pressure you into it.
۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔
دلائل:
*القرآن الكريم: (الاحزاب، الآية: 32)*
یٰنِسَآءَ النَّبِیِّ لَسۡتُنَّ کَاَحَدٍ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ اِنِ اتَّقَیۡتُنَّ فَلَا تَخۡضَعۡنَ بِالۡقَوۡلِ فَیَطۡمَعَ الَّذِیۡ فِیۡ قَلۡبِه مَرَضٌ وَّ قُلۡنَ قَوۡلًا مَّعۡرُوۡفًاo
*سنن ابی داؤد: (رقم الحدیث:2152، ط: دارالرسالة العالمیة)*
قَالَ أَبُو هُرَيْرَةَ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ،" إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَتَبَ عَلَى ابْنِ آدَمَ حَظَّهُ مِنَ الزِّنَا أَدْرَكَ ذَلِكَ لَا مَحَالَةَ، فَزِنَا الْعَيْنَيْنِ النَّظَرُ، وَزِنَا اللِّسَانِ الْمَنْطِقُ، وَالنَّفْسُ تَمَنَّى وَتَشْتَهِي، وَالْفَرْجُ يُصَدِّقُ ذَلِكَ وَيُكَذِّبُهُ".
*الفقہ الاسلامی و ادلته: (6508/9)*
تحريم الخلوة بالمخطوبة :بينا أن الخطبة ليست زواجاً، وإنما هي مجرد وعد بالزواج، فلا يترتب عليها شيء من أحكام الزواج، ولا الخلوة بالمرأة أو معاشرتها بانفراد لأنها ما تزال أجنبيةعن الخاطب۔۔وأما المعاشرة قبل الزواج والذهاب معاً إلى الأماكن العامة وغيرها،فهو كله ممنوع شرعاً۔
Allah the Almighty knows best.
Darul ifta Al-Ikhlas, Karachi.